versus (a battle within)

I keep thinking - Wishing for the right moment, searching for the right words. For all I know it may never come. I plan everything; I try to make it perfect. I polish every action. I keep playing the scene over my head about a thousand times now, but every time I play it back, I find that something “might” be wrong, that it “might” not work as planned.

I was wrong. I can’t control everything. I can’t just manipulate somebody else’s movements just because I “planned” every single moment and accounted every possible logical action a person may take.

Logical. What do I know about logic? All I know is I care much about you that I keep on thinking what you might possibly be doing at this very moment. You keep popping out of my brain, blocking “more important” thoughts and disabling logic in me. I do not need logic. I just need to know if you bother to think of me. A few seconds a day would not be so bad…

I keep on waiting – waiting for my phone to ring, and hoping I’d find your name there. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a forwarded message or a corny joke you got from your ex, who’s trying so hard to win you back. It doesn’t even have to say anything, a blank message will do. The mere fact that you made an effort to press those keypads and spent a peso for me is enough to make me happy – now that’s an improvement.

I ask myself, how much do I like you? I stop for a second, absorbed in my own thought. I remember the few moments we’ve been together, and I start to smile, trying my best to restrain my laughter. This is the part where people who’ll see me would think that I’ve gone crazy. Maybe I am. Because every time I think of you I seem to lose touch with reality. I wander in my own fantasies, dreaming that we are together.

Can there be a “we” for the two of us? I’ve fallen for you, and yet I fall even more. I’m overtaken by emotions. I don’t even know what it means when you say you want to see me. Maybe you were lonely; you needed someone to talk to. Maybe you were happy and needed to share the moment. Or maybe I’m putting too many doubts in my head. Maybe it simply means you want to see me. Maybe.

Action. I need to let you know, ASAP. If I don’t, someone else might do just what I intended to do - Someone who feels the same toward you; someone who had enough courage to show his feelings; someone who’s not afraid to risk a friendship to gain something better. By then it will be too late for me, and I’ll be on the losing end – again. All because I let my fears get the better of me.

Fear tells me I don’t have what it takes, that I can’t make you happy. Doubt lets me think that it’s not possible; you can’t possibly fall for a guy like me. Shyness tells me I won’t even find the right words to say in front of you, and I’ll end up messing everything. My confidence is shattered to pieces. Courage ran from me. Who’s left now to side for me?

Love. Does it really matter if she doesn’t feel the same? Naturally, it will hurt, but will it be more painful if you just let her walk away with someone knowing that you didn’t even try? Sure, you’re not the most handsome guy on this planet; you’re not even close to Brad Pitt. But you have good qualities in you. And if you ever mumble and stutter in front of her, you can always look at the bright side – you can’t lose anything you don’t own. Give it a shot, and you’ll find there will still be something to smile about at the end of the day.

Hope. That’s the one thing I never let go. Things might not work out as we pleased, but life is never absolute - It is an adventure. There are moments when we’ll be sad, but it will soon pass. I don’t want to plan anymore. I’ll do what I should to win you, but I won’t expect anything. I only hope, that from the bottom of your heart, you’ll find me a place to stay.

I’ll tell you soon.

Suicide Note

This will be the last night of my life. I am tired of living in this sick sad world. I’m fed up with all the cold feelings, pretentious talks and the laborious ways in finding means to survive. I have reached my limit. I am going to end everything.

The struggle continues even if all the walls are closing in , locking the doors that lead to my jaded existence, a life lived in monotony. Sometimes I feel I get along with other people because of boredom, because I’m afraid of not doing anything to pass the time. I felt the need to have friends around, but oddly, I never really depended on them. Sure they offered help, but I refused. My ego soars high in doing everything that needed to be done – alone. I am not alone in the sense that no one bothers to give a damn on me. I am alone because I refuse to get help. Even Spiderman needs help”. This harsh reality really got me. But even if I admit it, it is really hard to change one’s old ways. Now no one offers any help anymore, probably thinking it would be in vain anyway. For someone who hadn’t really asked any favors before, it is hard to crack the shell open and let everybody see the real me, stripped of all pretensions.

Maybe I have fancied things up too much , that it has affected the way I deal with reality. Either way I say my last goodbye to this sick sad world, hoping there is someplace better than here.

Crap, I don’t feel like killing myself anymore. I hated blood anyway.

Circles...

Now I really am confused. I desperately want to get out of this job, this boring monotonous world of mine. I never thought a day job can be this boring. I've been doing the same thing for months now. I don't learn anything new at all. I know I shouldn't complain, I'm in a better position than about millions of jobless, but please give me a break! I never really got used to doing the same thing over and over, working like a machine. In this kind of work load you don't really need a brain. The worst part of it is that our boss doesn't even show just one bit of concern. For someone who's had 15 years of work experience, you'd think she'd grown secsible of her subordinates' needs. But every hint I throw at her just keeps hitting me back. Or maybe she's deliberately ignoring me. Maybe they want me out of this company. But if they really did, wouldn't it be better just to say it and get it over with? How hard could it possibly be to fire me? Then again I'm also finding it hard to resign. It's always the feeling of superiority, that I AM NEEDED HERE. Who's to take over my job? No I know there are people better qualified for this boring job.
I am scared. I'm finding it hard to hand over the resignation because I am scared. What would my friends and colleagues think? Resigning for a job just feels like quitting, and I hate that feeling. Maybe I'm not really bored enough (or pissed enough) to ignore what other people might think. I need to find the courage. And fast, before I run out of reason to leave.